Scared

Days passes me by and everything seems to be going at full speed. My life, studies, friends and everything else. At some point, I just feel like giving up on everything that I ever put up on. MST is in 2days time and I am yet to study for it. I am all so packed with all kinds of things. Floorball is a mess. I may have made into the team, but apparently I have not. I badly want to play in the POL-ITE Games but only 20girls will be selected. After todays' match, I have never felt so demoralised in my life. Countless shots to begin with. This is just sports, not yet included my rock climbing and smac. It just keeps piling up and I don't know if I can handle that.

On the other hand, I have my studies to focus on. One word, laziness. MST is coming and I haven't even studied a thing. Besides that, I have a presentation to work on and present it in 2weeks time at NUS. How much more can I take this? Somehow, there seem to be too much things in hand and I am struggling to juggle it all.

To be honest, the only word that can describe how my feeling is right now is just scared. I am just scared I won't be able to make it through the POL-ITE Games. I am just scared of flunking my examinations. I am scared that I will screw up my presentation that I have been working on for months. I am scared of losing him. The truth may hurts by listening to you, but the only feeling is that I am scared that I will no longer have you by my side. I don't know. For now, I am just praying for the better.

If I do get into the team and play in POL-ITE Games, GOOD. If I don't flunk my examinations, TERRIFIC. If I do my presentation just fine with no stammers, AWESOME. If I don't lose my guy, it'll be a dream come through. Insya'allah. Amin. (:

Drowning

To be honest, I am blank at the moment. But somehow, I feel pain and suffocation. I don't know what it is. Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe I'm just trying to run away from it all. I really don't know. At some point, I feel like running away from everything else, but there are times that I just want to be alone in this world with no other existence. I feel like I am already sinking in the water with me barely having any breath. It feels like I am drowning and just gasping for air.

Why do I feel like as though my heart had just been ripped off? I feel the heartache and pain, but I don't know what the cause is. Why am I feeling like this? I wish I knew, but I don't. Today seems so right at first, but when coming to the end, everything just fell apart. There was no goodbye, but just a walk away. You thought it was a joke, but sweetie it wasn't. Girls will always be girls, no matter how tough they are, their heart will forever be as soft as anything can be. And that heart of hers can easily shatter into millions of pieces without you realising it. Words can be the most dangerous and painful thing ever.

To say that I am fine, I am. But I don't know what the matter with me is. I really don't know. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But I think it is. Ever since that day, I keep having this feeling all around me. Maybe I am just being paranoid, and I apologise for that. But you don't know what is going through my head. Sometimes I just wish you could be by my side when I need you the most, but you're always not there. For now, I surrender..

Paranoid

Life is full of drama. I don't know where to begin with and how to end it. I have tons of things in mind, but I don't know how to start and what to begin it with. I just wish time could go slower and give me that ample time, and just not rush into things. How am I ever going to tell you the truth if I myself don't even know whats the truth about. I don't know what to do. I don't know who to go to. I feel so paranoid and restless. I just need someone who can support and be there for me. Lend me their ears and shoulder for me to cry on. I need those comfort and words to help me pull this through. I just need someone and anyone.

No Regrets

It's late at night and I am still wide awake. I guess I am best at thinking of stuff when the stars come out. Someone once told me that love was a feeling that is so powerful that no one can ever let it go. But this quote somehow turned everything about love the other way around. My perception suddenly changed ever since that day. I always thought that once you met that special someone, you thought you could be together and forever with them. However, this started to change everything when one decided to move on to another, leaving the other partner into tears with a broken heart.

It took me awhile to get back on my own two feet and move on with life. As days pass me by, I started a whole new chapter with a whole new beginning. It's like writing a new book with new characters in it. The image of him was slowly erased from my mind and everything that has ever gotten to do with my life. I thought I could never trust a guy ever in my life again. I thought I could never fall in love again. Every step I took seemed like a whole new beginning and that made it all so frightening. I was always scared to like a guy or even love them. I was always scared to get hurt and get back all the way to square one. I was scared to relive that moment of darkness all by myself.

Until came a day when I met him. The feeling was different. He said things that no other guys dare to say. He made me felt safe once more. Though he may be far from sight, I know that I can trust him. It's funny how it all started. At first, he was a senior that I looked upon but now, he is my partner. You may think that I am not ready to be in a relationship, but my dear sweetheart, I am ready. The only thing that I am scared of most is the feeling when you are not with me. I am scared if I were to lose such an amazing guy like you. A guy who knows how to make a girl smile once more after she cried. A guy who is willing to be with her after such soccer match. A guy who is dearly to my heart. You may think that I don't know what love means but sooner or later, I'll show you my true definition of love. For now, my heart stays true to you no matter what. I'm your girl and I'll always will be. For whatever shit happens in our way, we will go through it together. One thing that I am sure of is that I have no regrets into being with you. I miss you sweetie...

Living Life

It has been awhile since I ever updated my blog. O-levels are about to finish, just 3pprs left n I can PARTY all day long. Frankly, I wish I could turn back time and re-do everything, but there is no point regretting now since we are all going to move forward. What’s new?

The usual and forever it will be. Life is tough. I have to make a tough decision. My mind is still empty. For now, ignorance throughout. Only time will tell. We’ll see how it goes. Life is always full of surprises, that’s for sure.

Stay happy always & Good luck… (:

Insanity

Anytime soon, I’m about to go insane. I’m not thinking straight, and neither am I doing things right. Something has been bothering me and I can’t get it out of my head. It’s constantly there, haunting me. I need some counseling or something. Everything seems so tense. It’s like as if everything in the world is compressing on me, until I can no longer breathe. I’m suffocating and I don’t think I can live in this life much longer. I’m scared of making the wrong decision, and that I’ll regret it for the rest of my life. Things are not the same anymore like before. I wish there was a restart button to help me make it through. I’m scared. I’m terrified. I’m afraid. I don’t know where else I should go, and what to do.

Forgiveness

Things were not the same as before. Everything has changed. Though I want my old self me back, there’s no pathway leading me to it. I need guidance. I have done too many mistakes to even correct them all.

“Ya Allah, tunjukkan lah jalan yang benar dan jauhilah aku dari kesemua bisikan-bisikan syaitan… Ya Allah, ampunilah dosaku. Aku mohon padamu ya Allah… Amin… “